The 21 Rules of this House (part 1)

In my last post, I introduced the book, "21 Rules" and reflected on the role that Rules have played in my life. I also outlined how the "21 Rules" will help implement my philosophy for raising my kids biblically. As I mentioned previously, the "21 Rules" does not include a list of scriptures. This QT will help fill that gap. Jade is very capable of memorizing already and so I want to make sure she memorizes a short scripture with each rule so that she understands that the rule comes from God and that she is obeying and pleasing God when she follows the rule. What a gift of amazing confidence I can give my kids for them to grow up with the assurance that they are pleasing their heavenly Father!

As I mentioned in the last post, the best thing to do is to start with the end in mind. What sort of household do I want to live in? What sort of world do I want for myself? For my kids? It all starts with my behavior and my example. It will take much prayer and a lot of help from other disciples to help me follow God's rules completely.

1. We obey our Lord Jesus Christ
This is the fundamental rule. All of these rules arise out of a relationship of wanting to please Jesus and to be like him in all we do. Rather than a set of rules, Christianity is a life arising out of a relationship with God!

• Joshua 24:15. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.
• Luke 6:46. Why do you call me, "Lord, Lord," and do not do what I say?
• John 14:15. If you love me, you will obey what I command.
• John 14:23. If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.
• Acts 2:36. Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ.
• Phil 2:9-11. Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
• 1 Peter 3:15. But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.

The word "Lord" bears some consideration. That means Jesus is the boss (Lord) of my life. Everything I do is for him. Jesus earned this title of "Lord" in my life by humbling himself in becoming human and then giving his life blood for my sins on the cross.

Implicit in this arrangement is the concept that I honor Jesus in all I do or say. Consequently, I am very strict with my kids about what expletives they are allowed to use. The Bible's guidance is "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name" (Exodus 20:7). Clearly off-limits are things like "Oh my God," "Jesus," and "Christ." "Jeez" is an obvious derivative of "Jesus." Beyond this, we arrive at matters of opinion. Growing up, my parents were also very strict and my conscience leads me in this direction. "Golly" and "Gosh" are also off-limits (see here and here as well). The expression "oh my gosh" is extremely common in American English today. My children will have to learn that they do not say those words, although others may choose to do so. Also on the "off" list are borderline swear words popular with teens that have obvious definitions or connections to worse words: frick, sheist (German S-word), and crap.

For most of my readers, I am certain this is the first time you have heard of this conviction about gosh and that you probably use the expression "oh my gosh" rather often. You may think I am being legalistic. But ask yourself a few questions. "What is in my heart that keeps me from wanting to remove this expression from my speech?" "What real value is this expression conveying to my listener? Why not just say 'Wow'?" Also, please consider that the Bible commands us to be holy (set apart) and our speech is one way in which we are called to be different than the world.

That said, I will certainly not judge anyone who decides to use the word "gosh." For me, I cannot in good conscience have my kids or myself saying these words while claiming that we are following the admonition of Col. 3:17. "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

2. We love, honor, and pray for one another

• John 14:34-35. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
• Romans 12:10. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
• 1 John 4:11. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
• Romans 15:30. I urge you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to join me in my struggle by praying to God for me.
• James 5:16. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

3. We tell the truth

• Exodus 20:16. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.
• Prov 14:25. A truthful witness saves lives, but a false witness is deceitful.
• Prov 16:13. Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth.
• Prov 19:9. A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who pours out lies will perish.
• Eph 4:25. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

4. We consider one another's interests ahead of our own

• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Phil 2:3-4. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others
• 1 Cor 13:4-5. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

5. We speak quietly and respectfully with one another
Imagine a world in which all adults followed this rule all the time! Wow! I want that sort of world for my kids! I have so much room to grow in this one...

• Prov 16:24. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
• Prov 13:3. He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.
• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Eph 4:29. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
• James 1:19. My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
• 1 Peter 2:17. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.

6. We do not hurt one another with unkind words or deeds

• Prov 12:18. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
• Prov 15:1. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Eph 4:29. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
• Col 3:17. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

7. When someone needs correction, we correct him in love
This rule is for Dad & Mom. The kids need to understand that God is looking out for them by providing rules for their parents to follow! Eph 6:4 is particularly challenging to balance the discipline of a child and exasperating them, particularly when they are sick or missed a nap.

• Prov 16:21. The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.
• Gal 6:1. Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.
• Eph 4:15. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
• Eph 6:4. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
• Col 3:21. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
• 2 Tim 2:24-25. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.
• Matt 7:3-5. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

8. When someone is sorry, we forgive him.
Imagine a world where every adult followed this one!

• Matt 6:23-24. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
• Matt 18:21-22. Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
• Eph 4:32. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

9. When someone is sad, we comfort him.

• Prov 12:18. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
• Prov 12:25. An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.
• Proverbs 16:24. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
• Romans 12:15. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
• 1 Cor 12:26. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
• 2 Cor 1:3-4. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
• 1 Thes 5:11. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
• Heb 3:13. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

10. When someone is happy, we rejoice with him.

• 1 Cor 12:26. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
• Romans 12:15. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

11. When we have something nice to share, we share it.

• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Luke 3:11. The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same.
• Acts 4:32. All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had.
• 2 Cor 9:6. Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.
• 1 Tim 6:18. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.

12. When we have work to do, we do it without complaining.
This one will require constant attention and calling our kids back to the standard of the Bible. In fact, I have a lot of work to do to get rid of all the complaining in my life! The bottom line is that I hate complaining out of any mouth, including my own. It is discouraging and sucks the life out of the room.

• Phil 2:14. Do everything without complaining or arguing.

13. We take good care of everything God has given us.

• Gen 1:28. Then God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground."
• Gen 39:8. "With me in charge," Joseph told her, "my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care."
• Matt 25:20. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. "Master," he said, "you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more."
• Luke 16:11-12. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?

More to come!

The 21 Rules of this House (intro)

We have some good friends (Hiep and Michelle Bui) who are successful and capable parents. Michelle is particularly resourceful and has pulled her kids out of the public school system and began educating them at home, with very positive results in her kids' behavior. One tool she has used is a short booklet entitled, "The Original 21 Rules of This House."

The book is out of print, but I obtained a used copy that was in great shape through Amazon. I expected it to simply be a useful set of rules that I would have to place into a Biblical framework. However, I was pleasantly surprised that it was already Biblically based.

The idea behind "21 Rules" is that you teach your kids one rule each week. Repetition and training are essential. When the kids are fully trained, apparently they will often quote the rule appropriate to the situation. All the parent has to do is start the sentence, "In this house..." Who wouldn't love to have kids that are so highly well-trained?! Yet it is clear that having a set of rules that the kids know will not necessarily keep them from misbehaving (they still have a choice). Furthermore, when they are older, all rules come under scrutiny as kids become adults and try to internalize which rules work and why they work.

The booklet is relatively simple: a few pages for the parents, a poster, and a set of color-book pages (one per rule). However, there is no list of scriptures on which to base each of the rules, so I started doing my QT's to figure this out. But first, a few reflections about rules.

The Rules Growing Up
When I was a kid, obedience to the rules was very important. We were Seventh-Day Adventists (SDA) and we followed all 10 of the 10 Commandments, including the 4th one (keep the 7th Day Sabbath holy). My parents were consistent in their discipline and my sister and I were fairly pliable. I started 2nd grade at the SDA grade school and was shocked to see the variability in the other kids' behavior when we all supposedly had the same belief system. After the shock wore off, I developed a sense of frustration because if everyone followed the rules then we would learn so much more and waste much less time. I remember quietly sitting in a loud and chaotic classroom at 3pm one afternoon in 3rd grade. The teacher had turned off the lights and the kids were still bouncing off the walls. She gave me an apologetic look that said it all. I lost a lot of respect for her that day since she could not keep the kids under control. However, I have since more fully appreciated the challenge of maintaining classroom discipline for 10 or 12 kids at Kids' Kingdom, much less the 20+ in that classroom that day.

After some reflection, I believe the fundamental source for my discomfort was a lack of security. If others don't follow the rules, how do I get them to change their behavior? How do I predict the world around me if others do not behave in a consistent manner? Thankfully, my parents were consistent in their application of the rules and we kept to a rigid schedule. The rules did not change daily to accommodate my parents' emotions, whims, or comfortability (e.g., it was not suddenly ok to jump on the bed while dad was watching a football game and wanted me to leave him alone).

There is a whole theory on the stages of one's moral development. A deeper explanation is here. Suffice to say that during my grade school years, I remained in the earliest stage of moral development (punishment and obedience). I would hope that I have made it through a few more stages since then :-). I believe my children are fundamentally in this stage right now and the "21 Rules" will be very beneficial.

So for you, what were the rules like in your household growing up? Did they seem to apply to everyone in the world, or just your family? I think it is interesting to note that by 2nd grade I was already generalizing the rules to others and wanting them to conform to the same standard. In some households, the rules are very simple: "Keep Dad & Mom happy." Unfortunately, this rule doesn't generalize very nicely and has no absolutes about it. It becomes "keep the authority figure (e.g., teacher, policeman) happy," which becomes "anything is ok as long as I don't get caught." But is it okay to drive drunk even if I don't get caught? We all agree that it is absolutely wrong to drive drunk, though sometimes one is forced to choose the lesser of two evils (someone dying unless I drive them to the ER).

Is Christianity a Set of Rules?
The vast majority of the population seems to think so. For example, if you find out that Joe is a Christian and then you find out he's doing something that is wrong in an absolute sense (e.g., abusing his children), you will experience a sense of moral outrage. Another example is people who are curious about the Bible and ask me all sorts of questions about what I would do in such-and-such a situation. They want to understand if there are any exceptions to the rules ("I know it says not to lie or steal but what happens if/when...").

The short answer is that Christianity is not about a set of moral rules. It is about a relationship. We obey God because we love him (we love, therefore we obey). We will almost certainly go the second mile out of relationship with someone, but not because a rule tells us so. Jesus used the parable of the Good Samaritan to explain this to a very rules-based Pharisee who wanted to make sure he was obeying the letter of the law.

Begin with the End in Mind
What is my end goal? That my children make an adult decision to love God and serve him freely and wholeheartedly for the rest of their lives. They are not yet Christians but I can't wait until the day of their baptism!

It will take many steps to get my kids there and ultimately it will be between them and God. The first step is to love my kids and develop the relationship to the point where they want to obey me. This prepares the foundation of their ability to receive God's love and relate to him. Second, I can teach them to obey our household rules that align with what the Bible teaches. Thirdly, I can introduce them to God and explain how obedience to Mom & Dad is obedience to God (Deut 5:16, Eph 6:1, Col 3:20). From there, hopefully they will be a few baby steps (and a lot of prayer!) away from the Kingdom of God. We will be living by faith that Proverbs 22:6 is still true: "Train ^a]">a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

I am extremely grateful for the Bible. It is an absolute reference point for my life and the life of my children. 20 years from now, I have the assurance that that standard will remain the same. My goal is to help my kids understand the Bible's rules and that they are obeying the Bible (God) and not simply Mom & Dad's rules. As soon as they leave the house, they will be on their own and Mom & Dad's rules won't apply. This when a lot of people "sow their wild oats" and it is socially considered an acceptable time of experimentation. The problem is that the stakes are very high (pregnancy, lifelong drug/alcohol/cigarette addiction, dysfunctional relationships, abusive patterns, etc.). I know my kids will leave the house and make their own decisions, but like God, I want to do everything possible to set them up for spiritual and life success.

Acts 17:24-27 states, "²⁴The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. ²⁵And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. ²⁶From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. ²⁷God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us."

Wow, guess I'll start explaining the 21 Rules tomorrow :-)...

Bible "Story"

Based on a recommendation from my sister, I recently took two courses from Landmark Education, for a total of about 70 hours of interactive instruction. In it they described the concept of “story” and how our stories keep us from growing and being truly creative with our future. Other branches of psychology also make use of this term.

During the course, many people went up to the microphone and described an ongoing problem with their life. The instructor would coach them in front of ~100 people, up to 45 minutes, trying to help them “let go” of their story. Oftentimes, the entire room can see the person’s story and their sin and yet the person in the spotlight simply can’t “get it” except with repeated overtures and arguments put forth by the instructor.

To help people distinguish reality from the story, the instructor typically drew two circles on a chalkboard: “What happened” (reality) and “I said…” A classic example is miscommunication between a husband and wife. The husband might say, “The sink is dirty.” That is the reality—what he said. The wife could easily make it into a story, “He doesn’t think I keep house well!” However, there are a multitude of reasons the husband could have made that statement and the wife will never know the reason unless she asks him questions.

Once we create a story (our paradigm or world view), we tend to make all our experiences fit into this story. The Landmark Forum was all about going back as far as possible in our lives to identify the moments where we first created these stories. In the marriage example above, perhaps the wife already has a story that "my husband is always criticizing me." The statement, “The sink is dirty” easily fits into her paradigm, reinforcing what she already thinks to be true. She might choose to react strongly and the couple could easily get into a fight. The husband likely has his own story about his wife and so there they are, each with their own stories that do not match with reality.

Now let’s think about what happens when the wife tells her girlfriend about the latest episode of her husband’s criticism. The girlfriend will naturally sympathize and thereby reinforce the wife’s story. Proverbs 18:17 states, “The first to present his case seems right, till another comes forward and questions him.” By repeating the matter (Prov. 17:9) the wife has chosen to drag the past into her future and create a reality for her friend who now treats the husband according to what she heard in the wife's story.

Landmark Education strongly emphasizes the power of what we say (our word) in our lives. As I reflect on the Bible and particularly Genesis 1 and John 1, I realized that we are more like God than I realized. The words that we say really do matter. They create our reality. We can change what we say at any time and our future can be entirely different. However, if we continue speaking the messages of the past, we remain entangled in sin. It is fairly easy to spot sin simply from the volume of words needed to express the events and the feelings they produced. Prov. 10:19 states, “When words are many, sin is not absent.”

We all have stories that hold us back to varying degrees. I don’t believe that story = sin necessarily. However, I do believe sin is often at the root of the significant stories of our lives. Bitterness is the fundamental sin at the source of stories that don’t die. The Bible contains only a few scriptures that directly address this sin (Heb. 12:14-17, Eph 4:31). I want to offer an example of “story” from my life and then end this piece with some scriptural examples to illustrate the concept of “story” from a Christian perspective.

In the second Landmark course, we did an exercise where we “disappeared” an area of suffering in our lives. I chose our adoption situation with Ar’Mircle. We wrote down all our experiences, thoughts, and feelings about the situation for ten minutes. Next, we sat opposite from a partner who was instructed to listen silently to our story while we read it over and over. We could stop reading it once the suffering had disappeared. I had to read mine for over a half hour. In the middle I broke down and cried. The point of the exercise was that our partner was not supposed to sympathize, empathize, or reinforce our story at all, even with nonverbal cues. Ideally, they would not even have been able to understand English. Even though I grasped this concept while they were explaining the exercise, it still took me a long time to let go of my story that I had made up about the brokenness of our social welfare system. At the end, I was able to see that while I felt pain and strong emotions due to the situation, I was no longer suffering because I was no longer resisting reality with an attitude of "things should (not) be this way or that way."

Two classic examples of story in the Bible spring immediately to mind. The first is when Elijah flees from Jezebel in 1 Kings 19 after God used him to win a great victory on Mount Carmel. In vv9-10, God asks, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” Elijah replies, “I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant … and put your prophets to death … I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too.” Hopefully you can hear the story just leaking out of Elijah’s pores. God doesn’t address his complaint directly. Instead, he tries to reach Elijah through the earthquake/wind/fire/whisper experience. Again God asks, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” and again Elijah replies with his story. The words of Elijah’s two stories are actually filled with conviction and righteous indignation. However, I believe he said the second set of words in a very different tone of voice. Apparently God thought he was ready for the next thing, for rather than addressing it as story, he told Elijah his next action plan with Hazael, Jehu, and Elisha.

The second example is from John 5:1-15 where Jesus visits the pool of Bethesda, which was thought to possess powers of healing. “Here a great number of disabled people used to lie—the blind, the lame, the paralyzed. One who was there had been an invalid for 38 years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’ ‘Sir,’ the invalid replied, ‘I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.’ Then Jesus said to him, ‘Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.’ At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked.”

You can just hear the story oozing out of this man. He can’t give Jesus a yes/no answer, which is a good signal that he has some sort of story going on. Landmark builds upon the concept of “story” to what they call a “racket,” which is basically just sin. A racket reinforces your story while providing you with an emotional benefit and justifying the status quo. In this man’s case, his racket was, “No one is helping me so I am justified in not doing something with my life because I can’t get healed.” I’m grateful I was able to let go of my story about the social welfare system, or else I would have created a huge racket about how I was right and “they” were wrong, imputing all sorts of bad motives on all the players in that situation, which would have led me to behave not at all like my master (Jesus).

I am very grateful for God’s Word for its ability to help me identify my sins, rackets and stories each time I read it. Heb 4:12 states, “For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” I also count myself lucky to be surrounded by brothers who call me to the standard of the Bible and to have a spiritual wife who is not afraid to point out my sin. It seems like the older I get, the more I realize how much I need help...

Scriptures for Foster Parenting (part 2)

I have found it challenging to participate in a flawed foster parenting and social welfare system. After our first court date I spent a lot of energy constructing "how it ought to be" in my own mind. This opened all sorts of unspiritual doors in my mind.

Heb 12:15. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

In the past I thought I did not have any issues with bitterness. In this situation I realized there were all sorts of opportunities for bitterness. Bitterness is worse than dandelions. If you don't get the root, it will just keep coming back! Here's the way bitterness worked in my situation: I decided that the situation with Ar'Mircle was unfair. From that seed of bitterness, every action by a social worker, judge, attorney, or anyone else in the situation just made the seed grow. Everything that happened just piled on additional proof that we were being treated unfairly. Dealing with specific situations as they came up failed to remove my root of bitterness.

God actually used the Landmark Advanced Course to help me see this issue and get rid of it. The course contains an activity where each person causes an area of suffering in their life to disappear. Each person spends 10 minutes writing down all their thoughts and feelings in an area of their life where they are experiencing suffering. Next, each of us repeatedly read the story aloud to our partner, who was instructed to simply listen to the syllables and not make them mean anything (i.e., pretend I was saying "blah blah blah"). The point was that people tell "stories" just like cows go "moo moo" and dogs go "ruff ruff." Once the suffering disappeared, we were allowed to stop reading the story. This process took me over 30 minutes even though I intellectually grasped the point of the exercise immediately.

I was able to realize that I had created all these layers of "should" and "should not" regarding this situation as bitterness had taken root and grown many branches. Eventually I was able to let go of the story, i.e., let go of the desire for sympathy and for the other person to understand and legitimize my story. At this moment, the root of bitterness disappeared and I was simply left with the fact that I am sad that Ar'Mircle might have to leave our home.

God made us emotional creatures, for we are created in his image. However, God does not build layers upon layers of emotion and "story" based on my past actions. When he forgives, he really does forgive me and leaves it completely in the past. If I repeat the same sin, he could say, "Oh, there goes Todd again. I hate it when he hurts me by treating me as less important than other things in his life. He's always doing that." Instead, because of Jesus, he gives me grace and second chances and treats me as I really am in Christ. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Cor 5:17) "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalms 103:12)

When I am in touch with this forgiveness, I am where I need to be in order to practice this challenging scripture: " Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Col 3:13) Without understanding my need for forgiveness, asking for it, and receiving it from Jesus, I really have no chance to be truly generous toward others and forgive them.

This brings up an a really deep point. We can't give or offer anything we haven't been given, and we can't teach anything we have not been taught. This applies in so many areas. If I have not experienced forgiveness, I cannot offer forgiveness nor teach my kids how to forgive. Those who have not experienced loving healthy relationships cannot create this with their children, their spouse, or anyone else. The old behaviors and ways of relating simply get passed on to the next generation and the cycle repeats.

A significant minority of foster children develop what is known as an "attachment disorder." The root causes of this disorder include lack of love and neglect between birth and three years of age. Children with an attachment disorder are unable to "attach" themselves to an adult. Small children will wander off in a mall without fear, guilt, or the panicked feeling of "where's Mommy?" This is because they are not attached to any other human being. With this detachment, such children have no desire to please their caregivers. Any obedience is obtained through negative consequences.

Carried into the teenage years and adulthood, this disorder prevents the individual from forming loving relationships and seeing things from others' perspectives. A healthy marriage is out of the question and they are greatly compromised in their ability to care for a child.

The remedy is very strong therapy where children are forced to engage and connect with their foster/adoptive parent. In one strategy, 4 to 10 year olds are forced to physically sit on their caregiver's lap in a "time-in" for 60 minutes and interact. Some children may never develop the ability to attach, but some are able to learn to develop attachments, opening the door for love, affection, obedience, and rich, meaningful relationships in the future.

Prov. 22:6 states, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." We want to give Ar'Mircle the gifts of love, obedience, self-control, happiness, and awareness of others. We are very proud of how much progress she has made. She has attached herself to us and is able to give & express feelings of love. She understands and respects the word "no" and understands the concept of obedience. She is malleable and able to take correction. She is learning to control her emotions and starting to discover that she can repent of her fits (they don't just "happen" to her). We are working with her to be happy rather than get stuck in a complaining mode (Phil. 2:14--it's a lifelong battle for all of us:-). She is very aware of others and will wave at neighbors who walk or drive by our yard, or even at strangers in the mall or a restaurant. This thrills us, because it means that she wants to connect with people and does not perceive them as a threat nor is she disinterested.

These are life skills that Ar'Mircle will always take with her, even outside our home. We don't know what the future holds, but we're grateful for the opportunity to make a positive impact. Each day is full of its own challenges. Sometimes Ar'Mircle has bad day and it feels like we're not getting anywhere. But we keep following the Bible, knowing that every training opportunity has value, that consistency is essential.

Looking back, the trend is clearly upward. With this experience under our belts, we can now appreciate Romans 5:3-4: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." God has certainly built our characters through perseverance. Seeing what God has done the past year gives me hope. This hope not only helps me persevere, but it enables me to believe that things will get better and better and ultimately to dream of an incredible life for Ar'Mircle.

Scriptures for Foster Parenting (part 1)

Serving as a foster parent has become increasingly frustrating the past three months as the possibility of adopting Miracle has gone from near certainty to highly questionable. I want to share some scriptures I have meditated upon and found helpful as I try to make sense of what is happening.

1 Cor 15:58. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

This scripture is awesome! The first attractive aspect for me is the guarantee that the work I put in for God will never be in vain (worthless). On multiple occasions I have been sorely tempted to emotionally throw in the towel and say, "Fine. If we don't get to adopt Miracle, I'm going to do the minimum because all this effort will be worthless and throw-away anyways." This situation has forced me to remember why we signed up to be foster parents in the first place. We did it to serve God by helping someone else. Somewhere along the way I ended up serving myself and I have had to rewind and refocus on serving God no matter what. Only when I am motivated by serving God can this scripture become true and can this situation make sense.

The reality is that we have given Miracle the best possible start we could at a critical juncture in her life. We can justifiably feel good that we made a difference. But again, the main point is that we served God, not whether or not we were effective.

There are other key nuggets to this scripture:

• "Let nothing move you." We need to stay the course, trust God, and not let this emotional roller coaster change how we treat Miracle or anyone else involved in this situation from our high highs to our low lows. Only with God can we access this stability.
  
• "Always give yourself fully." In what areas of my life am I an "always" and a "fully"? There will always be new ways to give myself even more. God values our effort more than results. All he asks is for wholeheartedness. Halfhearted effort to love anyone is really an empty way to live. Who wants to look back at their life and say, "Yep, I gave it a good 65% effort"?! If anyone deserves our 100%, surely it is our God!
  

Romans 8:28. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This is one of the most popular scriptures. It is easy to apply in the good times. Many even develop magical thinking based on this scripture, particularly for those who subscribe to the so-called "prosperity gospel" (God wants to make me rich).

What is the actual promise? Exactly what it says! Let's work backwards. The promise is for those who love God and have been called according to his purpose. While not everyone loves God, everyone has been called because God has a single purpose for everyone (1 Tim 2:4). Those who truly love God are able to trust that he has good things in store for them and is at work for their good. Therefore, their eyes are open to see how God is working for their good, no matter the circumstances. The basic requirement for open eyes is faith (Hebrews 11).

Joseph's story is a classic example where he toiled for 13 years in slavery and prison, yet God ultimately made him vice-president of a powerful nation. Ultimately, God reunited Joseph with his family and saved everyone from starvation. When Joseph's father Jacob died, his brothers fear that Joseph would take revenge on them since they sold him into slavery. Instead, Joseph's faith enabled him to take the high road. "But Joseph said to them, 'Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives'" (Gen 50:19-20).

Following Joseph's example, I can already see how God has worked for my good the last few months through this challenging situation:

• Drawing me closer to God. Why does it take challenges to help me do well spiritually? Nevertheless, I've been having great quiet times on surrender and the scriptures and promises of God in new & refreshing ways.
  
• Drawing me closer to others. I am very independent by nature and this is a great chance to be open with others, allow them to encourage me, and not be afraid to ask for help or be vulnerable.
• Opening my eyes to the beauty and value in each precious moment I have with Miracle and Jade. Life is uncertain and I better enjoy each moment, even if I'm cleaning up baby vomit when I'd rather be accomplishing something useful on the house. Or typing out my quiet time thoughts when Miracle is bugging me right now for my attention :-)...
• Teaching me to love rather than judge. It is very easy to find fault with any and every player in this mini-drama, from the birth mother to the social workers to the lawyers. Instead, it is much more rewarding (albeit challenging) to not just tolerate people but to truly love and connect with them and understand their point of view.
• Reminding me that I am not in the place of God (see Joseph's words above). God knows what is best for Miracle and he is completely capable of running her little life exactly how he wants. For that matter, God also knows exactly what is best for me and my family. We may not see it as convenient, but if we're surrendered to his leadership, then we will benefit in all the spiritual & intangible areas that really count.

Loving people

I enjoy spiritual conversations with people. On multiple occasions the discussion has gone in a direction where my conversation partner has advocated the viewpoint that unconditional or selfless love is the highest guiding moral principle. In theory, I don't disagree. However, I find this tightly packaged, neatly bundled statement to be less than satisfying in several aspects. One is the tacit or explicit assumption that all world religions really just boil down to loving people. This is an oversimplification that manages to simultaneously offend nearly all the religions (except possibly Bhuddism and its "generalized derivatives").

The second dissatisfying aspect is that such a theoretical statement must be grounded in practice to have any significant meaning. There is a popular American saying, "Love is as love does." I believe I will discover love in a much more meaningful way by getting out there and serving the poor alongside my conversation partner than by discussing it at a theoretical level.

I'm learning that I need examples of love in order to really understand it. For me, Jesus is the ultimate example. He loved tremendously. He loved unconditionally. He dared to physically touch the untouchables. He broke through social barriers and engaged in real conversations with people. He met people where they were at and dared to love them. Jesus DID first, then he taught and SAID things about love. Without such practical examples of how Jesus loved and how he engaged with people, his teaching on love is hollow, theoretical, correct but of no practical value--just like the teachers of the law of his day. What did he teach?

Matt 6: "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' ⁴⁴But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, ⁴⁵that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. ⁴⁶If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? ⁴⁷And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? ⁴⁸Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.

I am learning that it is really easy to love the people that love me back. Casey, Jade, & Miracle make it especially easy! Jesus taught that even "though you are evil, [you] know how to give good gifts to your children" (Mt 7:11). But how hard it is to love those who are your enemies or who make your life difficult. How hard it is to pray for those who persecute you!

Miracle will visit her birth mother today for the first time in 13 months. I have very mixed feelings about it. It is very difficult for me to pray for this woman. Not because I want bad outcomes for her life, but because I so badly want to adopt Miracle and keep her as part of our family. Yet it changes me to pray for this woman's welfare. It helps me think about what life might be like from her perspective. The guilt, heartache, unfulfillment, and lack of power in her life must frustrate her daily. Today I pray for her to have a happy and joyful visit with Miracle. I pray that she can regain even the hope to change. I pray that she can get to know her Maker, the one who has connected me to her through Miracle. I pray that I can see and understand God's good plan for her life and for Miracle's life (Jer 29). I pray that I can see the good things about Miracle's birth mother and speak positively about her to Miracle. I pray that I can perfectly love just like my Father in heaven.

This weekend, God taught me another lesson on love as I visited the Agape Church of Christ that meets in downtown Portland at Lincoln High School. This group was highly warm, loving, and accepting. They successfully integrated people from a wide swath of life experiences, from the homeless to the highly successful and everywhere in-between. There was frank discussion of the community groups, which included a variety of recovery options. I was very impressed on a multitude of levels. For one, the core group was actually fairly small and yet the setup was rather elaborate to transform a high school cafeteria into a place of worship and fellowship: sound system, video projector, tables laden with donuts, coffee, and fruit, children's toys and programs, all caf tables put away and all the chairs arranged for the group, etc. Beyond this basic level of effort, everyone came to give, encourage, and love. The leaders Ron & Lori Clark are truly ministering to many people and loving them just as Jesus would. They have redeemed the word "minister" to actual mean something real again!

Returning to my "virtual conversation" I introduced above, I hope I am not being judgmental toward my fellow Northwesterners. All I can say is that Ron & Lory Clark's example and especially Jesus' example calls me much much higher than a simple verbal acknowledgement that love is the greatest virtue.

In the early church, apparently the same issue had come up in the area of faith, so the apostle addressed it rather bluntly in James 2:14-19. "¹⁴What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? ¹⁵Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. ¹⁶If one of you says to him, 'Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,' but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? ¹⁷In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. ¹⁸But someone will say, 'You have faith; I have deeds.' Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by what I do. ¹⁹You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder."

Loving people goes so much farther and deeper than I once thought. It is so much harder and I fall so short of true love. Yet it is only by trying that I can see how far I am from loving the way Jesus did. It will truly be the work of a lifetime to come to love others the way Jesus did. The reality is I have no other option if I truly want to follow Jesus as his disciple.

John 13: ³⁴"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another."

John 15: ¹²My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. ¹³Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. ¹⁴You are my friends if you do what I command.

This obligation feels harsh until I remind myself that Jesus' love is personal. Unless I can see that he first loved me and has done something incredible for me, I will have no love to give.

• 1 John 4: ¹⁹We love because he first loved us.
• 1 John 3: ¹⁶This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.

Once I take it personally, I can start to tackle the tough scriptures:

• 1 John 4: ²⁰If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. ²¹And he has given us this command: Whoever loves God must also love his brother.
• 1 John 3: ¹⁷If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? ¹⁸Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth.

Today is a good day to love.

God and Creation

Gen 1 & 2 are the classic chapters that describe how God created the world. However, the scriptures abound with references to God's role as Creator. In fact, Creator is one of God's key identities.

Gen 6:7. Here we find the Creator already saddened at what the creation has done with their freedom. The Creator was literally grieved by the creation and regretted making humanity.

Gen 14:19-22. Abram takes an oath and is given a blessing in the name of "God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth." Part of God's "height" (separateness) is the fact that God created everything we can perceive. By contrast, we humans are lowly for we have not created much of anything by comparison.

Dt 32:6. This is the first scripture we encounter in the Bible where an appeal is made to people to behave differently in light of the fact that the LORD (YHWH) created and formed them.

Here are some Psalms that simply praise God for the fact that He created: Ps 89:12,

Here are some scriptures that describe how God is still creating, within the context of human history and within the life of the individual: Ps 51:10, Is 4:5,

Some scriptures ponder the purpose for which God created finite beings: Ps 89:47, Eccl 12:1,

Isaiah makes some particularly poignant appeals to God's role as Creator to show how we can rely on God and express how truly powerful God is and what God can do for you. Is. 40:25-31, Is. 42:1-9 (predicts Jesus), Is. 43:1-7, Is. 45:1-8, 18.

Is. 45:9-12 brings up the warning, "Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker, to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground." It is amazing to me that God allows us to use the minds that he gave us to question him! Brilliant scientists spend their entire lives trying to create scenarios that explain how the universe and people came to be that eliminate the need for God. We can discover powerful principles in genetics, evolution, and the Big Bang that match scientific observation. Yet so many fundamental questions remain unanswered. These questions show how pitiful our understanding really is.

• Chimpanzees and humans most certainly have a common ancestor. Scientists have measured our genetic difference at only 2%. But what is in that 2% that gives humans the ability to have morality, consider their purpose in life, strive to achieve greatness, and desire eternity? (Eccl 3:10-11)
  
• With certainty we now know that the Big Bang occurred 13.7 billion years ago. But what caused it? Where it did come from? Why was it nonuniform? What sort of universe would we have if the quantum fluctuations had turned out differently?
• We can clone sheep and other species. But do we have a diagram for all the 3D chemical reactions that must occur? When will we be able to clone without taking advantage of an already-existing cellular infrastructure? That would be truly impressive!
• Where did life first arise? What instigated the first cell? How long until scientists create their first functional cell that can live and reproduce? Why do all living cells have a preferred stereochemistry (everything is "right-handed" instead of "left-handed")? Where did that preference arise since the Big Bang postulates that all matter was completely homogenous at the beginning?! Yet let's not forget that God has gifted nearly every human being with the ability to procreate, even if they're retarded, on drugs/alcohol, very young (Mary) or even very old (Elizabeth).
  

Creation of a new future: Is 65:17-18. This is a very comforting thought that God knows our greatest desires and is creating a place of peace for us.

God mourns the choices of the king of Tyre, also apparently Lucifer, both of whom God created: Ezek. 28:11-19

God created marriage at the beginning and Jesus appeals to this when he reminds the Jewish intellectuals of the heart behind this sacrosanct institution: Matt. 19:1-8.

In Jesus, God began a new work of creating a people for himself, eager to do what is good: Eph 2:10, Eph 2:14-21, Eph 4:20-24, Col 3:5-14, James 1:18.

Romans 1:18-31 contains one of the Bible's most powerful indictments of the human race. Idol worship is perhaps the greatest possible insult to God, where people choose to worship the created things (sun, men/women's bodies, nature, etc.) and things of their own creating (jobs, sports, money, social structures, intellectual pursuits, cars/houses, etc.) rather than the Creator. If each of us are honest, everyone of us has succumbed to idol worship in one form or another and it is a difficult sin to root out of our lives.

The New Testament contains some powerful reminders of who did the creating: Col. 1:15, Rev 4:8-11, Rev 10:5-6.

Lastly, it interesting to observe how Paul uses the argument that everything God created is good. It is humans that assign a particular meaning to certain objects and therefore they become "bad." See 1 Tim 4:1-5. Paul does not advocate that people stop listening to their consciences (quite the opposite, in fact--see Rom 14, esp. v23).