How can I give you up?

This weekend I visited Miracle at her birthmom’s. Not surprisingly, she wanted me to pick her up and not put her down for a good 5-10 minutes. For me, 60 minutes would not have been too long. I just wanted to cuddle with her and love up on her and be close. Her mom offered to let us bring her home Sunday night, so we got 18 hours of normality before she had to go back.

Holding Miracle close somehow made me think about when I would have to give her back. It was harder and different this time. I am reminded of Hosea 11:8-9, “How can I give you up, Ephraim? How can I hand you over, Israel? … My heart is changed within me, all my compassion is aroused.” I never expected there would be such emotion in my heart as we return her each time and it really got me thinking.

Is this how God feels when we have an up-and-down relationship with him? How does God feel when the Prodigal Son plays out multiple times in a devastating cycle? Someone gets baptized, falls away, gets restored, then struggles again. How is God feeling at that point? In a cruel, self-interested sense, it sometimes feels like it would be easier to simply cut all ties with Miracle. But when I’m with her, I just love it. It just feels right for me to be her daddy, if only for a few moments. I wonder if that’s how God feels with his wayward children. I don’t really know, but I think it’s at least as difficult for him.

Last night I talked to someone with whom I have attended church for over 10 years. He had decided that he just couldn’t keep going and was going to give up on his relationship with God and the church. In our conversation, I ran through the full gambit of reasons he should stay faithful. I applied all the emotional leverage I could, not to manipulate him, but because a) I think Jesus would do at least that, having already died for my friend and b) I would want someone to do that for me in the hopes of bringing me to my senses. Ultimately, the decision is his and he must own the consequences.

Free will is a funny thing. We discussed it at length in philosophy class when talking about the problem of evil and why a good, all-powerful God could allow suffering. In my experience, such discussions never include the emotional side of the conversation. So I have to wonder: how does God experience the good and bad choices in my life? How was he able to stand by while I hurt him so badly and made so many mistakes, and yet engage emotionally 100% as soon as I was ready to restart my relationship with him 11 years ago this fall? How is God able to stand watching me sin and hurt his other children with my sin and learn things the hard way, even though I have his Word and should know better?

I don’t really know for sure. But as I already mentioned, the precious moments of closeness with his children can sustain a father for a very long time. 1 Peter 4:8 rings true for me here: “love covers over a multitude of sins.”

I’m lucky right now. There is no sin separating Miracle and me, simply circumstances. The absence of sin helps me understand the real priority: it’s simply all about the relationship. Adding sin into the equation complicates things and creates more barriers, but ultimately God simply wants an unhindered continuous relationship with me and everyone else on the planet, just like I want the same with Miracle.