Scriptures for Foster Parenting (part 2)

I have found it challenging to participate in a flawed foster parenting and social welfare system. After our first court date I spent a lot of energy constructing "how it ought to be" in my own mind. This opened all sorts of unspiritual doors in my mind.

Heb 12:15. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

In the past I thought I did not have any issues with bitterness. In this situation I realized there were all sorts of opportunities for bitterness. Bitterness is worse than dandelions. If you don't get the root, it will just keep coming back! Here's the way bitterness worked in my situation: I decided that the situation with Ar'Mircle was unfair. From that seed of bitterness, every action by a social worker, judge, attorney, or anyone else in the situation just made the seed grow. Everything that happened just piled on additional proof that we were being treated unfairly. Dealing with specific situations as they came up failed to remove my root of bitterness.

God actually used the Landmark Advanced Course to help me see this issue and get rid of it. The course contains an activity where each person causes an area of suffering in their life to disappear. Each person spends 10 minutes writing down all their thoughts and feelings in an area of their life where they are experiencing suffering. Next, each of us repeatedly read the story aloud to our partner, who was instructed to simply listen to the syllables and not make them mean anything (i.e., pretend I was saying "blah blah blah"). The point was that people tell "stories" just like cows go "moo moo" and dogs go "ruff ruff." Once the suffering disappeared, we were allowed to stop reading the story. This process took me over 30 minutes even though I intellectually grasped the point of the exercise immediately.

I was able to realize that I had created all these layers of "should" and "should not" regarding this situation as bitterness had taken root and grown many branches. Eventually I was able to let go of the story, i.e., let go of the desire for sympathy and for the other person to understand and legitimize my story. At this moment, the root of bitterness disappeared and I was simply left with the fact that I am sad that Ar'Mircle might have to leave our home.

God made us emotional creatures, for we are created in his image. However, God does not build layers upon layers of emotion and "story" based on my past actions. When he forgives, he really does forgive me and leaves it completely in the past. If I repeat the same sin, he could say, "Oh, there goes Todd again. I hate it when he hurts me by treating me as less important than other things in his life. He's always doing that." Instead, because of Jesus, he gives me grace and second chances and treats me as I really am in Christ. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Cor 5:17) "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalms 103:12)

When I am in touch with this forgiveness, I am where I need to be in order to practice this challenging scripture: " Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Col 3:13) Without understanding my need for forgiveness, asking for it, and receiving it from Jesus, I really have no chance to be truly generous toward others and forgive them.

This brings up an a really deep point. We can't give or offer anything we haven't been given, and we can't teach anything we have not been taught. This applies in so many areas. If I have not experienced forgiveness, I cannot offer forgiveness nor teach my kids how to forgive. Those who have not experienced loving healthy relationships cannot create this with their children, their spouse, or anyone else. The old behaviors and ways of relating simply get passed on to the next generation and the cycle repeats.

A significant minority of foster children develop what is known as an "attachment disorder." The root causes of this disorder include lack of love and neglect between birth and three years of age. Children with an attachment disorder are unable to "attach" themselves to an adult. Small children will wander off in a mall without fear, guilt, or the panicked feeling of "where's Mommy?" This is because they are not attached to any other human being. With this detachment, such children have no desire to please their caregivers. Any obedience is obtained through negative consequences.

Carried into the teenage years and adulthood, this disorder prevents the individual from forming loving relationships and seeing things from others' perspectives. A healthy marriage is out of the question and they are greatly compromised in their ability to care for a child.

The remedy is very strong therapy where children are forced to engage and connect with their foster/adoptive parent. In one strategy, 4 to 10 year olds are forced to physically sit on their caregiver's lap in a "time-in" for 60 minutes and interact. Some children may never develop the ability to attach, but some are able to learn to develop attachments, opening the door for love, affection, obedience, and rich, meaningful relationships in the future.

Prov. 22:6 states, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." We want to give Ar'Mircle the gifts of love, obedience, self-control, happiness, and awareness of others. We are very proud of how much progress she has made. She has attached herself to us and is able to give & express feelings of love. She understands and respects the word "no" and understands the concept of obedience. She is malleable and able to take correction. She is learning to control her emotions and starting to discover that she can repent of her fits (they don't just "happen" to her). We are working with her to be happy rather than get stuck in a complaining mode (Phil. 2:14--it's a lifelong battle for all of us:-). She is very aware of others and will wave at neighbors who walk or drive by our yard, or even at strangers in the mall or a restaurant. This thrills us, because it means that she wants to connect with people and does not perceive them as a threat nor is she disinterested.

These are life skills that Ar'Mircle will always take with her, even outside our home. We don't know what the future holds, but we're grateful for the opportunity to make a positive impact. Each day is full of its own challenges. Sometimes Ar'Mircle has bad day and it feels like we're not getting anywhere. But we keep following the Bible, knowing that every training opportunity has value, that consistency is essential.

Looking back, the trend is clearly upward. With this experience under our belts, we can now appreciate Romans 5:3-4: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." God has certainly built our characters through perseverance. Seeing what God has done the past year gives me hope. This hope not only helps me persevere, but it enables me to believe that things will get better and better and ultimately to dream of an incredible life for Ar'Mircle.