The 21 Rules of this House (intro)

We have some good friends (Hiep and Michelle Bui) who are successful and capable parents. Michelle is particularly resourceful and has pulled her kids out of the public school system and began educating them at home, with very positive results in her kids' behavior. One tool she has used is a short booklet entitled, "The Original 21 Rules of This House."

The book is out of print, but I obtained a used copy that was in great shape through Amazon. I expected it to simply be a useful set of rules that I would have to place into a Biblical framework. However, I was pleasantly surprised that it was already Biblically based.

The idea behind "21 Rules" is that you teach your kids one rule each week. Repetition and training are essential. When the kids are fully trained, apparently they will often quote the rule appropriate to the situation. All the parent has to do is start the sentence, "In this house..." Who wouldn't love to have kids that are so highly well-trained?! Yet it is clear that having a set of rules that the kids know will not necessarily keep them from misbehaving (they still have a choice). Furthermore, when they are older, all rules come under scrutiny as kids become adults and try to internalize which rules work and why they work.

The booklet is relatively simple: a few pages for the parents, a poster, and a set of color-book pages (one per rule). However, there is no list of scriptures on which to base each of the rules, so I started doing my QT's to figure this out. But first, a few reflections about rules.

The Rules Growing Up
When I was a kid, obedience to the rules was very important. We were Seventh-Day Adventists (SDA) and we followed all 10 of the 10 Commandments, including the 4th one (keep the 7th Day Sabbath holy). My parents were consistent in their discipline and my sister and I were fairly pliable. I started 2nd grade at the SDA grade school and was shocked to see the variability in the other kids' behavior when we all supposedly had the same belief system. After the shock wore off, I developed a sense of frustration because if everyone followed the rules then we would learn so much more and waste much less time. I remember quietly sitting in a loud and chaotic classroom at 3pm one afternoon in 3rd grade. The teacher had turned off the lights and the kids were still bouncing off the walls. She gave me an apologetic look that said it all. I lost a lot of respect for her that day since she could not keep the kids under control. However, I have since more fully appreciated the challenge of maintaining classroom discipline for 10 or 12 kids at Kids' Kingdom, much less the 20+ in that classroom that day.

After some reflection, I believe the fundamental source for my discomfort was a lack of security. If others don't follow the rules, how do I get them to change their behavior? How do I predict the world around me if others do not behave in a consistent manner? Thankfully, my parents were consistent in their application of the rules and we kept to a rigid schedule. The rules did not change daily to accommodate my parents' emotions, whims, or comfortability (e.g., it was not suddenly ok to jump on the bed while dad was watching a football game and wanted me to leave him alone).

There is a whole theory on the stages of one's moral development. A deeper explanation is here. Suffice to say that during my grade school years, I remained in the earliest stage of moral development (punishment and obedience). I would hope that I have made it through a few more stages since then :-). I believe my children are fundamentally in this stage right now and the "21 Rules" will be very beneficial.

So for you, what were the rules like in your household growing up? Did they seem to apply to everyone in the world, or just your family? I think it is interesting to note that by 2nd grade I was already generalizing the rules to others and wanting them to conform to the same standard. In some households, the rules are very simple: "Keep Dad & Mom happy." Unfortunately, this rule doesn't generalize very nicely and has no absolutes about it. It becomes "keep the authority figure (e.g., teacher, policeman) happy," which becomes "anything is ok as long as I don't get caught." But is it okay to drive drunk even if I don't get caught? We all agree that it is absolutely wrong to drive drunk, though sometimes one is forced to choose the lesser of two evils (someone dying unless I drive them to the ER).

Is Christianity a Set of Rules?
The vast majority of the population seems to think so. For example, if you find out that Joe is a Christian and then you find out he's doing something that is wrong in an absolute sense (e.g., abusing his children), you will experience a sense of moral outrage. Another example is people who are curious about the Bible and ask me all sorts of questions about what I would do in such-and-such a situation. They want to understand if there are any exceptions to the rules ("I know it says not to lie or steal but what happens if/when...").

The short answer is that Christianity is not about a set of moral rules. It is about a relationship. We obey God because we love him (we love, therefore we obey). We will almost certainly go the second mile out of relationship with someone, but not because a rule tells us so. Jesus used the parable of the Good Samaritan to explain this to a very rules-based Pharisee who wanted to make sure he was obeying the letter of the law.

Begin with the End in Mind
What is my end goal? That my children make an adult decision to love God and serve him freely and wholeheartedly for the rest of their lives. They are not yet Christians but I can't wait until the day of their baptism!

It will take many steps to get my kids there and ultimately it will be between them and God. The first step is to love my kids and develop the relationship to the point where they want to obey me. This prepares the foundation of their ability to receive God's love and relate to him. Second, I can teach them to obey our household rules that align with what the Bible teaches. Thirdly, I can introduce them to God and explain how obedience to Mom & Dad is obedience to God (Deut 5:16, Eph 6:1, Col 3:20). From there, hopefully they will be a few baby steps (and a lot of prayer!) away from the Kingdom of God. We will be living by faith that Proverbs 22:6 is still true: "Train ^a]">a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

I am extremely grateful for the Bible. It is an absolute reference point for my life and the life of my children. 20 years from now, I have the assurance that that standard will remain the same. My goal is to help my kids understand the Bible's rules and that they are obeying the Bible (God) and not simply Mom & Dad's rules. As soon as they leave the house, they will be on their own and Mom & Dad's rules won't apply. This when a lot of people "sow their wild oats" and it is socially considered an acceptable time of experimentation. The problem is that the stakes are very high (pregnancy, lifelong drug/alcohol/cigarette addiction, dysfunctional relationships, abusive patterns, etc.). I know my kids will leave the house and make their own decisions, but like God, I want to do everything possible to set them up for spiritual and life success.

Acts 17:24-27 states, "²⁴The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. ²⁵And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. ²⁶From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. ²⁷God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us."

Wow, guess I'll start explaining the 21 Rules tomorrow :-)...