When we brought Miracle into our family, by faith Casey and I got on a rollercoaster whose highs and lows were not yet known (clearly, God spared us this initial knowledge :-). In order to adopt Miracle, we need a court trial to make her available for adoption. This trial has been postponed multiple times. Without it, Miracle will simply return to her birth family. The trial was scheduled for 6/7/2010, but was jeopardized in May by an unfavorable case review called the “FCAP.” However, on Thursday 5/27/2010, we found out that enough evidence had been found for the trial to move forward. This past week, God seemed to work very powerfully as attorneys lined up a variety of evidence and people to testify. However, this past Thursday (6/3/2010), the social worker emailed us that the supervisor of the entire region had reviewed Miracle’s case and postponed the trial until 11/15/2010. Meanwhile, the parents will receive two overnight visits each week and the opportunity to further strengthen their position to bring her to live with them.
Over the past 14 months, I have gone through a variety of spiritual and emotional wrestling matches and adjustments, but this news was probably the most severe so far since it followed a significant high. Part of me feels simply depressed and all I can do is quote appropriate scriptures to express my feelings. One in particular that comes to mind is Isaiah 37:1-4, emphasis added.
1When King Hezekiah heard this, he tore his clothes and put on sackcloth and went into the temple of the LORD. 2He sent Eliakim the palace administrator, Shebna the secretary, and the leading priests, all wearing sackcloth, to the prophet Isaiah son of Amoz. 3They told him, "This is what Hezekiah says: This day is a day of distress and rebuke and disgrace, as when children come to the point of birth and there is no strength to deliver them. 4It may be that the LORD your God will hear the words of the field commander, whom his master, the king of Assyria, has sent to ridicule the living God, and that he will rebuke him for the words the LORD your God has heard. Therefore pray for the remnant that still survives."
Intellectually, I trust that God has a plan through all of this, but emotionally I feel just like Hezekiah: we are so close and yet so far. We almost went to trial in Sept 2008 and again in June 2010, but it just hasn’t happened. The context for this passage is that the field commander of Assyria has come as a messenger of discouragement. Some of his taunts feel familiar to me. Earlier, Is. 36:4-7 reads
4The field commander said to them, "Tell Hezekiah, "'This is what the great king, the king of Assyria, says: On what are you basing this confidence of yours? 5You say you have strategy and military strength--but you speak only empty words. On whom are you depending, that you rebel against me? 6Look now, you are depending on Egypt, that splintered reed of a staff, which pierces a man's hand and wounds him if he leans on it! Such is Pharaoh king of Egypt to all who depend on him. 7And if you say to me, "We are depending on the LORD our God"--isn't he the one whose high places and altars Hezekiah removed, saying to Judah and Jerusalem, "You must worship before this altar"?
In my mind, I can feel the world ask, “On what are you relying? God? What good are your prayers? You’d be better off taking control of your destiny, getting a good lawyer, bribing the birth parents, or taking this situation to the media to force DCFS to do the right thing.” The world thinks God is a worthless crutch (Egypt) and that you’re better off being self-reliant.
The field commander misunderstood Hezekiah’s spiritual reforms, and I hear the same accusational misunderstanding in my mind. “How do you know God is leading you and answering your prayers? Why hasn’t he just fixed it already, if he exists? What if God wants to send Miracle back to her birth parents—aren’t you praying for the opposite of what he wants to do?” The world doesn’t understand that I’m in a loving give-and-take relationship with God, not a “gimme now Santa Claus” relationship.
In response to this second taunt, Job 2:9-10 springs to mind:
9His [Job's] wife said to him, "Are you still holding on to your integrity? Curse God and die!" 10He replied, "You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" In all this, Job did not sin in what he said.
I don’t know if I’m sinning by what I’m saying or writing. All I can do is pray and cling to God’s Word right now. Another passage that rings true for me is Acts 14:21-22:
21Then they [Paul & Barnabas] returned to Lystra, Iconium and Antioch, 22strengthening the disciples and encouraging them to remain true to the faith. "We must go through many hardships to enter the kingdom of God," they said.
I can't claim that I lead a difficult life compared to many in this world. However, this is the biggest hardship that I have ever faced. In a sense I already entered God's Kingdom when I was baptized, but in another sense I have not yet finished the race and have not yet reached heaven. Paul & Barnabas understood that we all will face challenges in this life that can cause us to fall away from God. They strengthened the disciples and reminded them that they would go through many hardships, but ultimately they would enter the Kingdom of God and receive the gift of eternal life.
The main thing I’ve learned so far from all these ups and downs is that I need to pray that everything that happens is exactly the way God wants it to happen. This is the very essence of the Lord's prayer: "thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." Then I can trust that everything is meant to be and accept it. Without this prayer, I worry that there is something more I could have done or that I ought to be doing. With this prayer in mind, I can trust God and have half a chance of making sense of the ongoing saga of which we are a part.
I also try to align my thoughts with Hebrews 12:7-11, but with only partial success and with great difficulty. The scripture rings absolutely true, however—this discipline is absolutely NOT pleasant right now! I can only cling to the hope for holiness and ultimately a character that is more like Jesus.
7Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 8If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. 9Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! 10Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. 11No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Heb 11-12 reminds me of the spiritual reality that in heaven I have a personal cheering section. Life feels very tough right now and this vision of all the saints (see also Rev. 6:9-11) encourages my soul and gives me courage. I know I do not truly suffer compared to my brothers and sisters in China or the Middle East or the great martyrs in the first century. If they made it by God’s grace, I can too!
1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. 2Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Perseverance is what I need, so I shall fix my eyes on Jesus and keep on running.
