21 Rules of this House (part 2)

The final installment covers some key rules. Rules 14-18 are very explicit in how to behave, spelling out the details of considerate living with others in the same household. They also are great principles for how to take care of the things entrusted us by God.

Rules 19-21 complete the loop, teaching the kids to ask rather than disobey, to assume the rules are in effect everywhere, and to accept discipline for disobeying the rules anytime anywhere.

14. We do not create unnecessary work for others.

• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Phil 2:4. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
• 2 Tim 4:14-15. Alexander the metalworker did me a great deal of harm. The Lord will repay him for what he has done. You too should be on your guard against him, because he strongly opposed our message.
• Acts 15:1. Some men came down from Judea to Antioch and were teaching the brothers: "Unless you are circumcised, according to the custom taught by Moses, you cannot be saved."
• Eccl 3:1-8. There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity
  under heaven.... a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to tear and a time to mend....

15. When we open something, we close it.

• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Num 19:15. And every open container without a lid fastened on it will be unclean.
• Isaiah 22:22. I will place on his shoulder the key to the house of David; what he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.
• Rev 3:7. To the angel of the church in Philadelphia write: These are the words of him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open.

16. When we turn something on, we turn it off.

• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Phil 2:4. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

17. When we take something out, we put it away.

• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Phil 2:4. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

18. When we make a mess, we clean it up.

• Phil 2:4. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
• Ezek 34:17-19. As for you, my flock, this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I will judge between one sheep and another, and between rams and goats. Is it not enough for you to feed on the good pasture? Must you also trample the rest of your pasture with your feet? Is it not enough for you to drink clear water? Must you also muddy the rest with your feet? Must my flock feed on what you have trampled and drink what you have muddied with your feet?

19. When we do not know what to do, we ask.

This is absolutely critical. I can't wait for my kids to be given an art project at Kids' Kingdom and ask the teacher what to do rather than marching ahead and making a mess of things!

• Prov 11:14. For lack of guidance a nation falls, but many advisors make victory sure.
• Prov 15:12. A mocker resents correction; he will not consult the wise.
• Prov 16:25. There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.
• Prov 19:20. Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.
• Prov 22:6. Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.
• James 1:5. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.

20. When we go out, we act just as if we were in this house.

This principle is absolutely essential. Kids are eager to assume that the rules can get nullified by moving around in space and time. Instead, God's principles are in effect 24/7. His Word is true everytime and everywhere, because he fills heaven and earth!

• Col 3:17. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
• Jer 23:23-24. "Am I only a God nearby," declares the LORD, "and not a God far away? Can anyone hide in secret places so that I cannot see him?" declares the LORD. "Do not I fill heaven and earth?" declares the LORD.
• 1 John 2:6. Whoever claims to be in him must walk as Jesus did.

21. When we disobey or forget any of the 21 Rules of This House, we accept discipline and instruction.

It is Biblical and loving for me to discipline my children! To this day, I tend to get discouraged by discipline, but I hope my kids can learn to accept it as a form of love and to respond with a repentant heart rather than a despondent & disappointed & discouraged heart. The results of discipline are well worth it!

• Prov 10:17. He who heeds discipline shows the way to life, but whoever ignores correction leads others astray.
• Prov 12:1. Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.
• Prov 13:1. A wise son heeds his father's instruction, but a mocker does not listen to rebuke.
• Prov 13:24. He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
• Prov 15:31-32. He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. He who ignores discipline despises himself, but whoever heeds correction gains understanding.
• Prov 22:15. Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him.
• Prov 29:15. The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother.
• Heb 12:5-6. My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son.
• Heb 12:11. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

The 21 Rules of this House (part 1)

In my last post, I introduced the book, "21 Rules" and reflected on the role that Rules have played in my life. I also outlined how the "21 Rules" will help implement my philosophy for raising my kids biblically. As I mentioned previously, the "21 Rules" does not include a list of scriptures. This QT will help fill that gap. Jade is very capable of memorizing already and so I want to make sure she memorizes a short scripture with each rule so that she understands that the rule comes from God and that she is obeying and pleasing God when she follows the rule. What a gift of amazing confidence I can give my kids for them to grow up with the assurance that they are pleasing their heavenly Father!

As I mentioned in the last post, the best thing to do is to start with the end in mind. What sort of household do I want to live in? What sort of world do I want for myself? For my kids? It all starts with my behavior and my example. It will take much prayer and a lot of help from other disciples to help me follow God's rules completely.

1. We obey our Lord Jesus Christ
This is the fundamental rule. All of these rules arise out of a relationship of wanting to please Jesus and to be like him in all we do. Rather than a set of rules, Christianity is a life arising out of a relationship with God!

• Joshua 24:15. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.
• Luke 6:46. Why do you call me, "Lord, Lord," and do not do what I say?
• John 14:15. If you love me, you will obey what I command.
• John 14:23. If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.
• Acts 2:36. Therefore let all Israel be assured of this: God has made this Jesus, whom you crucified, both Lord and Christ.
• Phil 2:9-11. Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
• 1 Peter 3:15. But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord.

The word "Lord" bears some consideration. That means Jesus is the boss (Lord) of my life. Everything I do is for him. Jesus earned this title of "Lord" in my life by humbling himself in becoming human and then giving his life blood for my sins on the cross.

Implicit in this arrangement is the concept that I honor Jesus in all I do or say. Consequently, I am very strict with my kids about what expletives they are allowed to use. The Bible's guidance is "You shall not misuse the name of the LORD your God, for the LORD will not hold anyone guiltless who misuses his name" (Exodus 20:7). Clearly off-limits are things like "Oh my God," "Jesus," and "Christ." "Jeez" is an obvious derivative of "Jesus." Beyond this, we arrive at matters of opinion. Growing up, my parents were also very strict and my conscience leads me in this direction. "Golly" and "Gosh" are also off-limits (see here and here as well). The expression "oh my gosh" is extremely common in American English today. My children will have to learn that they do not say those words, although others may choose to do so. Also on the "off" list are borderline swear words popular with teens that have obvious definitions or connections to worse words: frick, sheist (German S-word), and crap.

For most of my readers, I am certain this is the first time you have heard of this conviction about gosh and that you probably use the expression "oh my gosh" rather often. You may think I am being legalistic. But ask yourself a few questions. "What is in my heart that keeps me from wanting to remove this expression from my speech?" "What real value is this expression conveying to my listener? Why not just say 'Wow'?" Also, please consider that the Bible commands us to be holy (set apart) and our speech is one way in which we are called to be different than the world.

That said, I will certainly not judge anyone who decides to use the word "gosh." For me, I cannot in good conscience have my kids or myself saying these words while claiming that we are following the admonition of Col. 3:17. "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

2. We love, honor, and pray for one another

• John 14:34-35. A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
• Romans 12:10. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.
• 1 John 4:11. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.
• Romans 15:30. I urge you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to join me in my struggle by praying to God for me.
• James 5:16. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.

3. We tell the truth

• Exodus 20:16. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor.
• Prov 14:25. A truthful witness saves lives, but a false witness is deceitful.
• Prov 16:13. Kings take pleasure in honest lips; they value a man who speaks the truth.
• Prov 19:9. A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who pours out lies will perish.
• Eph 4:25. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

4. We consider one another's interests ahead of our own

• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Phil 2:3-4. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others
• 1 Cor 13:4-5. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

5. We speak quietly and respectfully with one another
Imagine a world in which all adults followed this rule all the time! Wow! I want that sort of world for my kids! I have so much room to grow in this one...

• Prov 16:24. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
• Prov 13:3. He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin.
• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Eph 4:29. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
• James 1:19. My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
• 1 Peter 2:17. Show proper respect to everyone: Love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king.

6. We do not hurt one another with unkind words or deeds

• Prov 12:18. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
• Prov 15:1. A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Eph 4:29. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.
• Col 3:17. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

7. When someone needs correction, we correct him in love
This rule is for Dad & Mom. The kids need to understand that God is looking out for them by providing rules for their parents to follow! Eph 6:4 is particularly challenging to balance the discipline of a child and exasperating them, particularly when they are sick or missed a nap.

• Prov 16:21. The wise in heart are called discerning, and pleasant words promote instruction.
• Gal 6:1. Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently.
• Eph 4:15. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ.
• Eph 6:4. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
• Col 3:21. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.
• 2 Tim 2:24-25. And the Lord's servant must not quarrel; instead, he must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Those who oppose him he must gently instruct, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth.
• Matt 7:3-5. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

8. When someone is sorry, we forgive him.
Imagine a world where every adult followed this one!

• Matt 6:23-24. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
• Matt 18:21-22. Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."
• Eph 4:32. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

9. When someone is sad, we comfort him.

• Prov 12:18. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
• Prov 12:25. An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up.
• Proverbs 16:24. Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.
• Romans 12:15. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.
• 1 Cor 12:26. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
• 2 Cor 1:3-4. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
• 1 Thes 5:11. Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.
• Heb 3:13. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin's deceitfulness.

10. When someone is happy, we rejoice with him.

• 1 Cor 12:26. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.
• Romans 12:15. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

11. When we have something nice to share, we share it.

• Matt 7:12. So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you.
• Luke 3:11. The man with two tunics should share with him who has none, and the one who has food should do the same.
• Acts 4:32. All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had.
• 2 Cor 9:6. Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.
• 1 Tim 6:18. Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.

12. When we have work to do, we do it without complaining.
This one will require constant attention and calling our kids back to the standard of the Bible. In fact, I have a lot of work to do to get rid of all the complaining in my life! The bottom line is that I hate complaining out of any mouth, including my own. It is discouraging and sucks the life out of the room.

• Phil 2:14. Do everything without complaining or arguing.

13. We take good care of everything God has given us.

• Gen 1:28. Then God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground."
• Gen 39:8. "With me in charge," Joseph told her, "my master does not concern himself with anything in the house; everything he owns he has entrusted to my care."
• Matt 25:20. The man who had received the five talents brought the other five. "Master," he said, "you entrusted me with five talents. See, I have gained five more."
• Luke 16:11-12. So if you have not been trustworthy in handling worldly wealth, who will trust you with true riches? And if you have not been trustworthy with someone else's property, who will give you property of your own?

More to come!

The 21 Rules of this House (intro)

We have some good friends (Hiep and Michelle Bui) who are successful and capable parents. Michelle is particularly resourceful and has pulled her kids out of the public school system and began educating them at home, with very positive results in her kids' behavior. One tool she has used is a short booklet entitled, "The Original 21 Rules of This House."

The book is out of print, but I obtained a used copy that was in great shape through Amazon. I expected it to simply be a useful set of rules that I would have to place into a Biblical framework. However, I was pleasantly surprised that it was already Biblically based.

The idea behind "21 Rules" is that you teach your kids one rule each week. Repetition and training are essential. When the kids are fully trained, apparently they will often quote the rule appropriate to the situation. All the parent has to do is start the sentence, "In this house..." Who wouldn't love to have kids that are so highly well-trained?! Yet it is clear that having a set of rules that the kids know will not necessarily keep them from misbehaving (they still have a choice). Furthermore, when they are older, all rules come under scrutiny as kids become adults and try to internalize which rules work and why they work.

The booklet is relatively simple: a few pages for the parents, a poster, and a set of color-book pages (one per rule). However, there is no list of scriptures on which to base each of the rules, so I started doing my QT's to figure this out. But first, a few reflections about rules.

The Rules Growing Up
When I was a kid, obedience to the rules was very important. We were Seventh-Day Adventists (SDA) and we followed all 10 of the 10 Commandments, including the 4th one (keep the 7th Day Sabbath holy). My parents were consistent in their discipline and my sister and I were fairly pliable. I started 2nd grade at the SDA grade school and was shocked to see the variability in the other kids' behavior when we all supposedly had the same belief system. After the shock wore off, I developed a sense of frustration because if everyone followed the rules then we would learn so much more and waste much less time. I remember quietly sitting in a loud and chaotic classroom at 3pm one afternoon in 3rd grade. The teacher had turned off the lights and the kids were still bouncing off the walls. She gave me an apologetic look that said it all. I lost a lot of respect for her that day since she could not keep the kids under control. However, I have since more fully appreciated the challenge of maintaining classroom discipline for 10 or 12 kids at Kids' Kingdom, much less the 20+ in that classroom that day.

After some reflection, I believe the fundamental source for my discomfort was a lack of security. If others don't follow the rules, how do I get them to change their behavior? How do I predict the world around me if others do not behave in a consistent manner? Thankfully, my parents were consistent in their application of the rules and we kept to a rigid schedule. The rules did not change daily to accommodate my parents' emotions, whims, or comfortability (e.g., it was not suddenly ok to jump on the bed while dad was watching a football game and wanted me to leave him alone).

There is a whole theory on the stages of one's moral development. A deeper explanation is here. Suffice to say that during my grade school years, I remained in the earliest stage of moral development (punishment and obedience). I would hope that I have made it through a few more stages since then :-). I believe my children are fundamentally in this stage right now and the "21 Rules" will be very beneficial.

So for you, what were the rules like in your household growing up? Did they seem to apply to everyone in the world, or just your family? I think it is interesting to note that by 2nd grade I was already generalizing the rules to others and wanting them to conform to the same standard. In some households, the rules are very simple: "Keep Dad & Mom happy." Unfortunately, this rule doesn't generalize very nicely and has no absolutes about it. It becomes "keep the authority figure (e.g., teacher, policeman) happy," which becomes "anything is ok as long as I don't get caught." But is it okay to drive drunk even if I don't get caught? We all agree that it is absolutely wrong to drive drunk, though sometimes one is forced to choose the lesser of two evils (someone dying unless I drive them to the ER).

Is Christianity a Set of Rules?
The vast majority of the population seems to think so. For example, if you find out that Joe is a Christian and then you find out he's doing something that is wrong in an absolute sense (e.g., abusing his children), you will experience a sense of moral outrage. Another example is people who are curious about the Bible and ask me all sorts of questions about what I would do in such-and-such a situation. They want to understand if there are any exceptions to the rules ("I know it says not to lie or steal but what happens if/when...").

The short answer is that Christianity is not about a set of moral rules. It is about a relationship. We obey God because we love him (we love, therefore we obey). We will almost certainly go the second mile out of relationship with someone, but not because a rule tells us so. Jesus used the parable of the Good Samaritan to explain this to a very rules-based Pharisee who wanted to make sure he was obeying the letter of the law.

Begin with the End in Mind
What is my end goal? That my children make an adult decision to love God and serve him freely and wholeheartedly for the rest of their lives. They are not yet Christians but I can't wait until the day of their baptism!

It will take many steps to get my kids there and ultimately it will be between them and God. The first step is to love my kids and develop the relationship to the point where they want to obey me. This prepares the foundation of their ability to receive God's love and relate to him. Second, I can teach them to obey our household rules that align with what the Bible teaches. Thirdly, I can introduce them to God and explain how obedience to Mom & Dad is obedience to God (Deut 5:16, Eph 6:1, Col 3:20). From there, hopefully they will be a few baby steps (and a lot of prayer!) away from the Kingdom of God. We will be living by faith that Proverbs 22:6 is still true: "Train ^a]">a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

I am extremely grateful for the Bible. It is an absolute reference point for my life and the life of my children. 20 years from now, I have the assurance that that standard will remain the same. My goal is to help my kids understand the Bible's rules and that they are obeying the Bible (God) and not simply Mom & Dad's rules. As soon as they leave the house, they will be on their own and Mom & Dad's rules won't apply. This when a lot of people "sow their wild oats" and it is socially considered an acceptable time of experimentation. The problem is that the stakes are very high (pregnancy, lifelong drug/alcohol/cigarette addiction, dysfunctional relationships, abusive patterns, etc.). I know my kids will leave the house and make their own decisions, but like God, I want to do everything possible to set them up for spiritual and life success.

Acts 17:24-27 states, "²⁴The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. ²⁵And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. ²⁶From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. ²⁷God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us."

Wow, guess I'll start explaining the 21 Rules tomorrow :-)...