Scriptures for Foster Parenting (part 2)

I have found it challenging to participate in a flawed foster parenting and social welfare system. After our first court date I spent a lot of energy constructing "how it ought to be" in my own mind. This opened all sorts of unspiritual doors in my mind.

Heb 12:15. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.

In the past I thought I did not have any issues with bitterness. In this situation I realized there were all sorts of opportunities for bitterness. Bitterness is worse than dandelions. If you don't get the root, it will just keep coming back! Here's the way bitterness worked in my situation: I decided that the situation with Ar'Mircle was unfair. From that seed of bitterness, every action by a social worker, judge, attorney, or anyone else in the situation just made the seed grow. Everything that happened just piled on additional proof that we were being treated unfairly. Dealing with specific situations as they came up failed to remove my root of bitterness.

God actually used the Landmark Advanced Course to help me see this issue and get rid of it. The course contains an activity where each person causes an area of suffering in their life to disappear. Each person spends 10 minutes writing down all their thoughts and feelings in an area of their life where they are experiencing suffering. Next, each of us repeatedly read the story aloud to our partner, who was instructed to simply listen to the syllables and not make them mean anything (i.e., pretend I was saying "blah blah blah"). The point was that people tell "stories" just like cows go "moo moo" and dogs go "ruff ruff." Once the suffering disappeared, we were allowed to stop reading the story. This process took me over 30 minutes even though I intellectually grasped the point of the exercise immediately.

I was able to realize that I had created all these layers of "should" and "should not" regarding this situation as bitterness had taken root and grown many branches. Eventually I was able to let go of the story, i.e., let go of the desire for sympathy and for the other person to understand and legitimize my story. At this moment, the root of bitterness disappeared and I was simply left with the fact that I am sad that Ar'Mircle might have to leave our home.

God made us emotional creatures, for we are created in his image. However, God does not build layers upon layers of emotion and "story" based on my past actions. When he forgives, he really does forgive me and leaves it completely in the past. If I repeat the same sin, he could say, "Oh, there goes Todd again. I hate it when he hurts me by treating me as less important than other things in his life. He's always doing that." Instead, because of Jesus, he gives me grace and second chances and treats me as I really am in Christ. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" (2 Cor 5:17) "As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us." (Psalms 103:12)

When I am in touch with this forgiveness, I am where I need to be in order to practice this challenging scripture: " Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you." (Col 3:13) Without understanding my need for forgiveness, asking for it, and receiving it from Jesus, I really have no chance to be truly generous toward others and forgive them.

This brings up an a really deep point. We can't give or offer anything we haven't been given, and we can't teach anything we have not been taught. This applies in so many areas. If I have not experienced forgiveness, I cannot offer forgiveness nor teach my kids how to forgive. Those who have not experienced loving healthy relationships cannot create this with their children, their spouse, or anyone else. The old behaviors and ways of relating simply get passed on to the next generation and the cycle repeats.

A significant minority of foster children develop what is known as an "attachment disorder." The root causes of this disorder include lack of love and neglect between birth and three years of age. Children with an attachment disorder are unable to "attach" themselves to an adult. Small children will wander off in a mall without fear, guilt, or the panicked feeling of "where's Mommy?" This is because they are not attached to any other human being. With this detachment, such children have no desire to please their caregivers. Any obedience is obtained through negative consequences.

Carried into the teenage years and adulthood, this disorder prevents the individual from forming loving relationships and seeing things from others' perspectives. A healthy marriage is out of the question and they are greatly compromised in their ability to care for a child.

The remedy is very strong therapy where children are forced to engage and connect with their foster/adoptive parent. In one strategy, 4 to 10 year olds are forced to physically sit on their caregiver's lap in a "time-in" for 60 minutes and interact. Some children may never develop the ability to attach, but some are able to learn to develop attachments, opening the door for love, affection, obedience, and rich, meaningful relationships in the future.

Prov. 22:6 states, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." We want to give Ar'Mircle the gifts of love, obedience, self-control, happiness, and awareness of others. We are very proud of how much progress she has made. She has attached herself to us and is able to give & express feelings of love. She understands and respects the word "no" and understands the concept of obedience. She is malleable and able to take correction. She is learning to control her emotions and starting to discover that she can repent of her fits (they don't just "happen" to her). We are working with her to be happy rather than get stuck in a complaining mode (Phil. 2:14--it's a lifelong battle for all of us:-). She is very aware of others and will wave at neighbors who walk or drive by our yard, or even at strangers in the mall or a restaurant. This thrills us, because it means that she wants to connect with people and does not perceive them as a threat nor is she disinterested.

These are life skills that Ar'Mircle will always take with her, even outside our home. We don't know what the future holds, but we're grateful for the opportunity to make a positive impact. Each day is full of its own challenges. Sometimes Ar'Mircle has bad day and it feels like we're not getting anywhere. But we keep following the Bible, knowing that every training opportunity has value, that consistency is essential.

Looking back, the trend is clearly upward. With this experience under our belts, we can now appreciate Romans 5:3-4: "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." God has certainly built our characters through perseverance. Seeing what God has done the past year gives me hope. This hope not only helps me persevere, but it enables me to believe that things will get better and better and ultimately to dream of an incredible life for Ar'Mircle.

Scriptures for Foster Parenting (part 1)

Serving as a foster parent has become increasingly frustrating the past three months as the possibility of adopting Miracle has gone from near certainty to highly questionable. I want to share some scriptures I have meditated upon and found helpful as I try to make sense of what is happening.

1 Cor 15:58. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

This scripture is awesome! The first attractive aspect for me is the guarantee that the work I put in for God will never be in vain (worthless). On multiple occasions I have been sorely tempted to emotionally throw in the towel and say, "Fine. If we don't get to adopt Miracle, I'm going to do the minimum because all this effort will be worthless and throw-away anyways." This situation has forced me to remember why we signed up to be foster parents in the first place. We did it to serve God by helping someone else. Somewhere along the way I ended up serving myself and I have had to rewind and refocus on serving God no matter what. Only when I am motivated by serving God can this scripture become true and can this situation make sense.

The reality is that we have given Miracle the best possible start we could at a critical juncture in her life. We can justifiably feel good that we made a difference. But again, the main point is that we served God, not whether or not we were effective.

There are other key nuggets to this scripture:

• "Let nothing move you." We need to stay the course, trust God, and not let this emotional roller coaster change how we treat Miracle or anyone else involved in this situation from our high highs to our low lows. Only with God can we access this stability.
  
• "Always give yourself fully." In what areas of my life am I an "always" and a "fully"? There will always be new ways to give myself even more. God values our effort more than results. All he asks is for wholeheartedness. Halfhearted effort to love anyone is really an empty way to live. Who wants to look back at their life and say, "Yep, I gave it a good 65% effort"?! If anyone deserves our 100%, surely it is our God!
  

Romans 8:28. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

This is one of the most popular scriptures. It is easy to apply in the good times. Many even develop magical thinking based on this scripture, particularly for those who subscribe to the so-called "prosperity gospel" (God wants to make me rich).

What is the actual promise? Exactly what it says! Let's work backwards. The promise is for those who love God and have been called according to his purpose. While not everyone loves God, everyone has been called because God has a single purpose for everyone (1 Tim 2:4). Those who truly love God are able to trust that he has good things in store for them and is at work for their good. Therefore, their eyes are open to see how God is working for their good, no matter the circumstances. The basic requirement for open eyes is faith (Hebrews 11).

Joseph's story is a classic example where he toiled for 13 years in slavery and prison, yet God ultimately made him vice-president of a powerful nation. Ultimately, God reunited Joseph with his family and saved everyone from starvation. When Joseph's father Jacob died, his brothers fear that Joseph would take revenge on them since they sold him into slavery. Instead, Joseph's faith enabled him to take the high road. "But Joseph said to them, 'Don't be afraid. Am I in the place of God? You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives'" (Gen 50:19-20).

Following Joseph's example, I can already see how God has worked for my good the last few months through this challenging situation:

• Drawing me closer to God. Why does it take challenges to help me do well spiritually? Nevertheless, I've been having great quiet times on surrender and the scriptures and promises of God in new & refreshing ways.
  
• Drawing me closer to others. I am very independent by nature and this is a great chance to be open with others, allow them to encourage me, and not be afraid to ask for help or be vulnerable.
• Opening my eyes to the beauty and value in each precious moment I have with Miracle and Jade. Life is uncertain and I better enjoy each moment, even if I'm cleaning up baby vomit when I'd rather be accomplishing something useful on the house. Or typing out my quiet time thoughts when Miracle is bugging me right now for my attention :-)...
• Teaching me to love rather than judge. It is very easy to find fault with any and every player in this mini-drama, from the birth mother to the social workers to the lawyers. Instead, it is much more rewarding (albeit challenging) to not just tolerate people but to truly love and connect with them and understand their point of view.
• Reminding me that I am not in the place of God (see Joseph's words above). God knows what is best for Miracle and he is completely capable of running her little life exactly how he wants. For that matter, God also knows exactly what is best for me and my family. We may not see it as convenient, but if we're surrendered to his leadership, then we will benefit in all the spiritual & intangible areas that really count.